Are you nursing? Is she latching?

I got this question so many times during our stay in NICU. Then I found out this is THE question for fresh mothers. A Turkish mother even wrote a book, called “Is he latching?”, which is about this pressure on mamas. How frustrating!

My inside voice to this question was: No, I am not nursing, and she is not latching. She is in an incubator wired up from a couple of places in her tiny body. She is on high flow oxygen support and fed only through a feeding tube. She also can't drink the milk I pump. Don’t you worry she will drink, even latch eventually but just give us some time.

However, my outside voice would be a desperate and unconfident one. I told them she isn't latching and then I went on giving them a whole explanation about how much I wanted to do it.

I have to admit nursing bit has been very challenging even more so tricky for me. When I was pregnant, I did not even consider buying a pump as I was going to nurse 24/7. I truly believe breastmilk is miraculous with all the benefits it provides to a newborn. It is also a mysterious subject in medicine I found out the hard way. There is no specific reason for why one mother’s milk is more/less than the others. There is no explanation for it or a specific test to find out why.

There is a list of suggestions in variety of resources all of which are very common/known among mothers.

1- As the baby latches more and more everyday, she is able to get more drink and increase supply

2- Pumping regularly is pretty similar to the idea above. As you pump more, your supply should increase

3- Eating healthy fat rich food + protein + lots of water

This is the most basic/aligned info which I totally agree with every one of them. However. I believe there is also the mother factor. Every mother is unique and so is her body. Emotion they go through is diverse. That’s exactly why nursing journey is a personal matter. Even though two mothers’ nursing experience seems to be similar to each other, it is so very much different.

If she did not ask you, consult you, cry on your shoulder asking what to do to increase her milk supply, I suggest do not get into that subject.

If you don’t really know what the mommy is going through, do not ask if she is nursing.

Do not advice to “Nurse frequently”.

Do not advise to eat health, drink lots of water or pump, take a hot shower etc.

Especially if you have never given birth to a premature baby who has to be taken care of in NICU, if you don’t know what NICU is and how things work in there, please do not ask if a 30-week-old premature baby nurses or not. I also suggest do not ask if not now when she is going to latch. When you ask these questions, you are just causing more stress for a mother who already has a lot on her plate.

Let’s REALLY TRULY leave the moms alone on this subject. It is really not possible that you consider the health of MY baby more than I do. It is not YOUR baby, it is someone else’s little one. Motherhood is all about choices, compromises and sacrifices. Let the mother make the best decision for her little one, even if you are the grandparent of that baby. If a mom chooses to give formula, RESPECT that. You don’t have to know why. You don’t have to agree. If any judgmental thought crosses your mind, take a second and remind yourself of the things you were able to do/not do for your OWN child. Your judgmental thoughts will disappear without you even realizing.

If a mother wants to nurse, she will seek for ways to do so. She will ask you if she thinks you are the person to ask. She will talk to a breastfeeding consultant, talk to her doctor, mother, sister, friend etc.

Mother might have a low milk supply. It is not a myth; it happens for a reason. There is nothing YOU can do to increase HER supply.

If a mother does not want to nurse, you cannot convince her to do so. It is not your job to do so.

I guess what I am trying to say is that do not make this your duty. If you want to, become a breastfeeding consultant, and consult/make money when there is demand:)

Motherhood, trust me, is not all about nursing. However, all moms need time to come to this realization. When a mother takes the time to spend time with her little one, she will realize that extraordinary connection between the two of them does not depend on the milk she may or may not have. Until that day comes, moms just get upset to hear about nursing. Let’s not make moms sad, let’s support them with actual help they might need:)