NICU days begin!

I was in shock and was not in a state of mind to embrace the fact that I just gave birth to a premature baby. I think my body and my mind needed recovery so bad, I sort of ignored it.

The first day, I briefly saw my baby in the NICU and I was not allowed to touch her as she was intubated and kept in an incubator. I felt nothing. No pleasure, no joy, no tears, no connection. I was exhausted and just wanted to go home.

I went up to my room in the hospital instead. I was given a very outdated version of a breast pump and was told to pump regularly. Dreams of no pumping/forever nursing shattered like glass. I read so much about nursing/breastfeeding during my pregnancy yet it was like I knew NOTHING!

I started manually expressing (basically squeezing my breast until milk came) to collect the colostrum in a syringe. Whatever came out was sent directly to NICU. That was my very first connection with my baby who was staying one floor down: My colostrum going into her body through a tube in her nose. It was better than nothing.

We were allowed to see her twice a day. One 2 hourly session in the morning, another one in the evening. We were crying each time we saw her. Crying out of happiness because she was actually miraculously healthy. Crying out of devastation because what is ahead of us was uncertain.

So we just waited for the visit times to come as soon as possible. Without seeing her, time went by very slow. Outside visiting hours, I tried to sort out the pumping/expressing situation.

At the time, I accepted anything that came my way. No fight, gentle acceptance. However, looking back now, I have a hard time understanding the idea of visiting hours. I truly believe moms should be a part of the whole process and put in the same room with their babies. Day and night! 24/7!