This is for you Preemie Mom!

I will share a few quotes* belonging to preemie moms because I believe you will relate too.

“I was afraid that she wouldn’t know me as her mom.” ME TOO!

“Initially, I blamed my body for what his little body was going through. Later, I learned to focus more on what my body could do to help him get through it” ME TOO!

“My greatest fears were that my daughter wouldn’t come home, and if she did, that she would have serious difficulties.” ME TOO!

“When I was away from her, just thinking that no one had time to spend quality touch time with her broke my heart” ME TOO!

“The doctors were very patient with me, as I had a couple of meltdowns and plentiful tears. I just felt so disappointed that I couldn’t take my baby home yet, and my greatest fear was that he wouldn’t bond with me because we missed something early on – but of course he did” ME TOO! WE BONDED WAY TOO MUCH INDEED😊

“Oh, that infamous NICU roller coaster. One day, we were overjoyed to learn he had gained a few ounces, only to be shell-shocked when we arrived the next day to learn that he had not only lost weight but he was back on gavage feedings.” ME TOO!

“I had the privilege of watching my baby grow in the “outside womb” for the last four weeks.” WELL, I NEVER REALLY FELT CLOSE TO THIS OUTSIDE WOMB THING😊

“I felt a combination of anxiety and denial. She was so sick in the beginning that we operated on autopilot and tried to make it through the day.” ME TOO!

“Everyday I struggled as I had to ask permission to touch, hold, and feed my own baby.” ME TOO!

“The first day I felt cheated because I couldn’t hold him, room-in with him, and breastfeed right away. ME TOO!

And as for me, I did not feel like a mom. I felt more like a robot trying to fulfill this very important, fragile duty. I felt like, if I got broken, D. would never be fine again. So I did what I could do best. Make a schedule and stick to until I felt something inside me.

When I found out these feelings, were a part of the process, I embraced them and made them a part of this scary, ambiguous journey. I still sticked to my schedule because it gave me sanity not because I felt like a robot.

Putting away the shame and sharing made it much better for me.

Shared with my hubby which made me feel he is 100% in it too. Before our NICU life, we never had a secret about how we felt about things. Why not now? Why was I ashamed to let him in completely this time around? Him not delivering the baby did not exclude him from the process. He was still my partner; he became a parent too and he was part of the team. When he read the Premature Baby Book, he included himself in my emotions and that was my breakthrough for opening up to him.

Shared with my sister made it real, very real. She is a mom too; she went through the whole post-partum process too. Even though I had a preemie, I still had a baby, whom I could treat like a normal baby in some ways, and she helped me see those little things. She motivated me with my breastfeeding schedule. She listened about all the medical conditions D. had and she tried to see it as someone not too much involved in the whole process. (And I know she secretly googled all those conditions😊 to find some hope so she can give me some😊)

Shared it with other NICU moms made it normal. We never sat down and said OK let’s now talk about our emotions😊 If someone eavesdropped us conversing, they could pick up these oversized feelings we all had.

NICU Mom! What I simply want to say is that I hear you! I feel for you! Whatever it is that you are feeling, I want you to embrace it and make it a part of this once in many lifetimes journey.

*Premature Baby Book. Section: Working Through Your Fears and Feelings.